This is the story of a town called Crowley Heights,
which was founded by Satanists back in the 1960s
when Satan was still cool.
It all started at Crowley High, where high school stoner
Todd Smith lusted after hottie Jenny Kolinsky.
The metal dudes convinced Todd to use the Book of Pure Evil
to win her heart and get in those panties.
But instead, Todd was possessed by the power of pure evil.
He was defeated by Jenny and Todd's best dude, Curtis,
but the book flew away before they could destroy it.
Todd, with the help of Jenny and Curtis,
along with science nerd Hannah,
and strong, handsome, sexy Jimmy the Janitor...
that's me...
fought off the power of pure evil week after week.
Along the way, Todd learned he was destined to be
the Pure Evil One who would destroy the world
with the power of the Book of Pure Evil.
But someone else wished to be the Pure Evil One:
Crowley High School guidance counsellor Atticus P. Murphy,
who cut off his father's head to seize control of
the Satanic society that founded Crowley Heights.
The metal dudes found out Todd had to lose his virginity
in order to become the Pure Evil One,
so they set him up with hot metal chick Nikki,
who turned out to be my old girlfriend.
And then, she turned out to be the metal dudes
all supernaturally combined into one.
With the help of his newest and dumbest minion yet,
Elliot Everwood,
Atticus used the Book of Pure Evil
to become a man-goat
and challenge Todd to an epic battle
at the Crowley High Semi-Formal.
The metal dudes forced Todd to use the book
to become the Pure Evil One,
and he almost destroyed the world.
But Jenny professed her love for him,
so he trapped Atticus in the book
and sent it away where no one could find it.
Everything ended awesome, until they found out
that somehow it killed Hannah.
Curtis blamed Todd for Hannah's death,
and the gang broke up.
With the book gone, I was free to leave the school
for the first time in 16 years.
So, I decided to see the world.
The end.
But was it really the end?
Deep below the Crowley Heights Retirement Home,
something was stirring.
What is it that you seek?
The Demon Cube of True Pain?
The Unholy Grail of Sumatra?
The spillings of a boy wizard?
A plate of bad dates?
You know what I want.
Then you know the price.
Do I ever!
Let me just get my mouth wet.
Ew, just take it.
Finally, I, Elliot Everwood,
after travelling far and wide chasing every clue,
spending every last cent of my trust fund
and countless blow jobs have found
the Book of Pure Evil.
♪ Oh, I got me a heart full of sorrow ♪
♪ Ever since I sent the book away ♪
♪ Hard to look forward to tomorrow ♪
♪ Going to feel exactly like I do today ♪
♪ Oh, I sure ain't feeling very metal ♪
♪ Got the guilts, because of Hannah B. ♪
♪ I sure do miss Jenny and Curtis ♪
♪ But they're much better off without me ♪
♪ Things are really, really really fucked up ♪
♪ Really, really, really fucked up ♪
♪ Oh, my life has gotten awfully quiet ♪
♪ I think I might be feeling kind of bored ♪
♪ I sure do miss fighting evil
♪ Spilling blood and breaking down doors ♪
♪ Oh, I sure do hate that Todd Smith ♪
♪ He doggone ruined my life
♪ Not sure how he did it
♪ That shit rooster killed my future wife ♪
♪ We're feeling really, really really fucked up ♪
♪ Really, really, really fucked up ♪
Yup.
"Reditus Meus, Dominus Domino,
ad Mihi." Ugh!
Aah!
Holy motherfucking, whore-porking shit-fucker.
Hey, Mr. M. Welcome back.
I feel so slimy.
Let me help with that.
So soft.
How does this feel?
Um, weird.
Oh, Mr. M., there's nothing weird about
a young boy bathing a naked man.
Relax.
I'm quite capable of un-sliming myself.
Shh, shh, you're babbling incoherently.
So, what was it like being inside the book?
I bet it was pretty neat.
Neat?
You're asking me if being trapped
inside the Book of Pure Evil was neat?
Maybe the wolf wasn't so bad.
The important thing is you're home, Mr. M.
Safe and sound.
Now we can get to work on re-establishing
our Satanic society that will bring forth
a new and glorious age of Satanism.
A society in which you will be the exalted leader
and I your faithful servant.
Yeah.
Here's the thing, Elliot:
I've been to the world beyond the book,
and it's changed me.
From this day forward, Atticus P. Murphy, Jr.
Will be a good man, a kind man.
A... not evil man.
What are you saying, Mr. M?
I'm saying that I hereby denounce Satanism.
No! Mr. M., you can't.
Do you know what I had to do to find that book?
No idea. See you.
You can't leave now. I need you, Mr. M.
Satan needs you.
Satan can go fuck himself.
You don't mean that.
You're still babbling incoherently.
Just think it over, Mr. M., okay?
And call me, you have my cell number.
No, wait, I have a new number.
I'll just text it to you.
Who will be my evil leader now?
That's weird. The thread from the vest
goes all the way back to the book.
Probably means nothing.
Ow.
Hey, Jenny.
Sorry I haven't talked to you
since the funeral.
No, it's okay, Todd.
I've been sort of avoiding you, too.
So, um,
how does it feel to be pure evil?
It's surprisingly no different than before.
I don't know if that's good or bad,
but at least the Book of Pure Evil
is gone for good, so it doesn't really matter.
Yeah.
Now that we're not fighting evil anymore,
life has become very... boring.
Well, maybe we can start focusing on...
other things.
Like us.
I mean, it felt like there was almost an "us"
at the semi-formal, and then...
So much has happened to us all, Todd.
I think we just need some time to...
Whoa, that's weird.
Totally weird.
Curtis hasn't played with dolls since Grade 7.
Look at it, Todd.
It's supposed to be Hannah.
Oh, great.
Now my best friend has gone bat-shit crazy.
Like I don't feel guilty enough.
Poor Curtis, he's obviously grieving.
Have you talked to him since the funeral?
No.
I still think he blames me for what happened to Hannah.
Maybe he's ready to forgive you?
Hey, Curtis.
Whoa!
Ow.
Sorry, Jenny.
That finger wasn't meant for you.
Ah, back to being a guidance counsellor,
which is what I used to be.
And will be again, starting now.
Jimmy the Janitor?
But you're a janitor, Jimmy.
Well, if it isn't my old nemesis, Atticus Murphy.
I thought you were trapped inside the book.
I got out.
And just for the record, I'm not your nemesis.
That's the metal dudes. Mine was more Todd,
and before that, kind of my dad and Minion Number One.
Where were we?
It's like this, dude.
After being trapped in the school for 16 years,
I thought it was time to explore the modern world, all right?
But the modern world is too complicated
and too scary for this dude.
Hey, did you know you need a high school diploma
to get a decent job anywhere but Crowley High?
I didn't ask for your life story.
I just want to know why are you in my office
and sitting in my chair?
And wearing my sweater vest!
Look, just because you have a fancy "dipoma"
doesn't mean you're a better guidance counsellor than me.
Of course it does, and it's "diploma."
Oh, wait.
It actually does say "dipoma."
Hmm.
I never noticed they misspelled "guidance," too.
And "counsellor."
Let me help you, Atticus.
As a guidance counsellor, which is what you were,
let me tell you that you have to stop trying to kill the students
at Crowley High.
I assure you, those days are over.
You are looking at a changed man, a gentler man.
I'm the only one who can help these stupid little shits
with their stupid little problems.
Now, get out of my office,
you toilet-scrubber.
Well played, Jimmy.
Well played.
I guess I'll be on my way,
now that there's no place for me anymore
at Crowley High.
The janitor position hasn't been filled yet.
You want me to be a janitor?
A janitor!
Is the pay any good?
Dude, it pays more than this job.
Hand me that box of urinal cakes.
I can't believe how long it's taken
to find a new cheerleading squad.
I have a feeling we're going to have
a long and substantial career together.
Got to find Mr. M.
Huh?
Must turn Mr. M. Back to evil.
Must show him that evil is good.
Nice sweater.
Argh!
Eat my yarn.
I was only being half-sarcastic.
I'm coming for you, Mr. M.
I'm fucking coming!
Oh, blow-up doll Hannah, I know you're not real,
but you're the realest thing I have to the real Hannah.
So, I guess that makes you the new real Hannah,
'cause the old real Hannah is gone.
Whoa, so confused.
Here, eat your corn chips. You're skin and bones.
Do we really have to do this?
He's our friend and he needs us.
Curtis, we have to talk.
You can talk to me, Jenny.
I'm not talking to the dude who killed my girlfriend.
Come on, dude. It was an accident.
None of us even know how Hannah died.
You can't hate me forever, can you?
I'm not talking to you, dude,
and yes, I can hate you forever and I will... forever.
So, you are talking to me.
Let's smoke a taco bong and be friends again.
Jenny, tell Todd that I can hear him
but I choose not to hear him,
and that as much as I'd really like
to smoke a taco bong,
I refuse to smoke it with him.
Tell him I'll smoke it later,
by myself.
Ow, ow!
Uh, what's the matter with your arm?
I don't have Hannah to maintain it anymore,
so it's falling apart.
She used to be so good at lubricating my joints,
and then you killed her.
How many times am I supposed to say "I'm sorry"?
I don't think you even said it once.
Well, you never gave me the chance.
Oh, you mean now? Oh, okay.
Curtis, I'm so sorry that somehow,
when I sent the book away,
it had something to do with killing Hannah.
I never meant to hurt her or anyone.
You got to believe me, dude.
You're killing her again!
Oh, shit. Hold on.
This time, I'll save her, dude.
I promise.
Now you're having sex with her?
No wonder you're the Pure Evil One.
It's because your evil is so pure.
Curtis, that is not Hannah.
That is an icky sex doll.
Don't call my sex doll a sex doll.
I mean, don't call my Hannah a Hannah.
No, I mean, don't sex doll my Hannah.
Icky sex doll, sticky-icky...
You get a hold of yourself.
Dudes, it's time to forgive and get the gang back together.
What do you say, dude?
All right, but I'm not talking to you.
You just did.
Stop messing with my mind, Todd.
I was only being half-sarcastic.
Wanda, what happened?
Some sweater-vest douchebag dismembered my squad
with razor-sharp yarn.
Sweater vest?
Atticus Murphy, Jr?
He must have found some way to escape
being trapped in the book.
The book is back.
I don't get it. How can the book be back?
I used all my power to banish it
forever.
It doesn't matter.
We find Atticus, we find the book.
You want to find Atticus,
you should check the girls' shit shack.
Jimmy, when did you get back?
This morning. I'm the new guidance counsellor.
So far, I think I'm doing a pretty good job.
Uh, my squad was sliced and diced
by a polyester-fibre psychopath.
Well, cut me some slack, all right?
It's my first day.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All right, Atticus. You can do this.
For now at least, until you return to your true destiny:
guidance counselling.
Okay, here goes.
Ack, who am I kidding? I can't do this.
What have I become?
Is giving up a life of evil really worth
cleaning up teenage bowel movements?
What was that?
Huh? Hello?
Oh, Mr. M., how it saddens me to see you like this.
This is so beneath you.
Oh, Elliot.
The bottom of my barrel is bottomless.
You're no toilet-scrubber, Mr. M.
You are evil.
You know it, I know it, we know it.
How many times do I have to tell you, Elliot?
I have forsaken evil.
Lies, lies, lies!
You shouldn't be in here, Elliot.
This is the girls' washroom, you know?
Where they do their number twos.
Lies, lies, lies!
Mr. M., remember the Book of Pure Evil?
It's all you ever wanted. It can make you evil again.
No, I won't read it again.
Atticus?
Todd!
My new favourite teenage delinquent.
Elliot, is that you?
Oh, hey, guys.
Sorry to disappoint you, but Mr. M. is mine.
So, you can all just, uh...
fuck off!
Oh, well, Atticus is doomed, we tried.
Save your former guidance counsellor.
And why would we do that?
You tried to kill us at the semi-formal.
Only because you hurt my feelings.
All I ever wanted was to be your friend
and help out once in a while.
Looks like you're doing a great job, buddy.
Mr. M., you want to help them?
They're the enemy.
You betrayer!
I worshipped you, Mr. M., but the whole time
you just wanted to be friends with them.
Now I will destroy your precious friends.
You showed me how good it was to be evil, Mr. M.,
and now I'll show you just how good I can be.
Um, I mean good at being evil.
Not so fast, Elliot.
Hannah!
You're alive!
I didn't kill you.
But I will.
Yoink.
No!
Just like old times.
You haven't seen the last of me,
because I'm not dead.
Yep, he's dead.
I'm not so sure.
Okay, now I'm sure.
You're alive!
Did I miss something?
Hannah died.
Now she's back to life.
Sounds like one crazy cliff-hanger.
I don't really remember anything,
except dying at the semi-formal
and then saving you from Elliot today.
Everything else is like a blurry dream.
I have a bad feeling about all this.
The Book of Pure Evil is back, and so is Atticus.
And who knows why Hannah is back from the dead?
All that matters is that Hannah is alive.
If the book coming back has something to do with it,
then fine: bring it on.
Yeah. Bring it on.
Woo-hoo.
Hey, gang of kids.
Just because we saved your life
doesn't mean we've forgiven you, Atticus.
But you don't understand.
Over there, in the land beyond the book,
I saw what pure evil really was.
I had an epiphany: if I ever were to escape,
I would pledge my life to fighting evil
and keeping those who fight evil safe, and that means you.
Nice speech, just stay away from us, buddy.
She called me "buddy." I'm back in!
It was a figure of speech, chief.
"Chief"? I'm the head of the gang now?
Get out of here!
I'm getting mixed messages.
Out.
Well, I don't know what happened,
but I guess I did somehow kill you, Hannah.
I didn't mean it, but I'm sorry anyhow.
That's okay, Todd.
I'm back now, for whatever reason.
We'll get to the bottom of what happened.
Together.
Aw, how sweet.
Barf.
You assholes.
Have you been there the whole time?
We're very stealthy.
Looks like everything is back to normal;
only now,
something is different.
Now we can get in the school.
Which means your life is going to suck donkey balls,
losers.
It doesn't matter if I'm the Pure Evil One
and that the book is back.
I'm not going to destroy the world for you or anyone.
Old news, loser.
There's a new Pure Evil One
in Crowley Heights.
And this one is going to destroy
you and your gang
before destroying the world.
The recordings of Drs. Williams and Williams,
tape number 221.
The Hannah Project is continuing, but inconclusive.
Each subsequent subject contains more DNA of the book
than the previous.
Todd.
Todd?
Huh?
What?
Todd.
T-T-Todd.
Todd,
you know you want me.
Yes, yes, I do.
But I've found someone else.
Pizza face, pizza face.
Pizza face.
Really original, guys. I get it.
I have acne. I've heard it before,
and for your information,
it's caused by an increase of testosterone,
which means that I got bigger balls
than any of you!
What's his problem?
I doubt he's got bigger balls than me.
I've got testicular elephantiasis.
Ignore him. Let's just eat our pizza face.
Yeah, it's pizza, and the face.
Come on!
Stupid thing.
Okay, um...
Huh.
You're getting very sleepy.
No, I'm not.
Are you sure this is going to work?
If you do it wrong, you'll fry her brain.
Atticus did this to me and brought back
all my repressed memories of Todd cutting off my arm
with a table saw.
And then you tried to kill me, see? Brain fry.
Shut up, Todd. Let him try it.
Let's start with something simple.
What's your name?
Even I know that one.
Hannah, Hannah D. Williams.
Don't you mean Hannah B. Williams?
Way to go, Curtis. You've totally fried her brain.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I am getting very sleep... Ooh.
All this cleaning up is really cutting into my "me" time.
It has begun anew.
Corn chips?
Anew.
The nerve of those guys.
I'm the one who has to clean that glass.
Get out.
Okay, it's been a while. How do we do this again?
Maybe Hannah can give us a science-y explanation
of what happened.
Um, it looks like their face is melted off?
Thanks, Hannah. Real science-y.
Hmm, even I'm not impressed.
This has to have something to do with
the new Pure Evil One in Crowley Heights.
Those metal dudes are just fucking with you, Todd.
This is classic book activity.
Some jerk used the book,
and now he's melting off people's faces.
But I just don't get it.
If I'm the all-powerful Pure Evil One,
then when I sent the book away it should have gone away
forever.
Just where did you send it away
forever?
Oh, dude, I'm a genius.
I sent it away to this imaginary,
made-up place that no one could ever find.
And just what is the name of this imaginary place?
Timbuktu.
Um, Timbuktu is a real place.
What?
But it sounds so made up.
It's located in
the West African nation of Mali.
Well, at least you're still geography-y.
Genius, Todd, genius.
No time to dwell on your incredible deep stupidity.
The book is back on the loose,
and we're the only ones who can stop it.
Yeah, that's great and all,
but I've got other stuff to do.
Have fun.
Hannah?
Wait!
Uh, Jenny?
The book is back and our lives are in danger.
Doesn't that turn you on?
Whoa.
You've been totally hands-off since the semi-formal,
and now you want to get sexy?
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's the danger.
The fact that we could die at any moment.
It was so boring with the book gone, but now...
Where's your boner?
You always have a boner when I'm around.
Hannah, where are you going?
The gang needs you. I need you.
Is this about the inflatable sex doll?
Because I swear, she never touched me.
I don't know, Curtis. It's just...
I feel like it's time I did something else.
Oh, I get it.
You're going to go do something science-y
behind the scenes to help out.
No, Curtis.
I'm not doing anything science-y.
I'm not interested in science-y anymore.
Not even pseudo-science-y?
I'm tired of being the same old Hannah.
I want to try something new.
But I like the same old Hannah.
I died, Curtis, but somehow I came back.
I don't want to waste a second chance
by doing the same old things.
I never had a chance to be a regular teenage girl
because we were always fighting the book.
Now, I have my chance.
You have an inflatable sex doll?
I did, but Todd killed her.
She looked just like you.
Ugh!
Dissension in the gang.
Maybe this is my way back in.
Something is wrong with my dick, Jimmy.
It doesn't seem to be working right.
You know, when I'm horny.
You got a bad case of limp dick, huh?
Brutal.
Has this ever happened to you before?
Well, there was this one time I banged this chick...
You know, an old chick, I may add.
Not hip-replacement old, but old old.
I called her Old Sexy.
Anyways, we'd been hauling on the bong,
then hauling on each other's junk
and taking breaks to eat tapioca pudding
for, like, three days straight.
Finally, I gak for the 23rd time
and my dong is raw. Like, real raw.
And she wants to go again because, you know,
old chicks know their time is up soon,
and I'm, like, "I don't know." But then I look down?
Bam! Another boner.
But I was worried for at least eight seconds.
Well, the timing totally sucks.
I finally have a girlfriend who expects me to,
you know, do awesome things to her.
Well, you got to keep your woman happy.
That's what I'm saying. So, what could it be?
Maybe you injured it.
Have you recently switched to a new jerking-off technique?
There's other ways to jerk off?
Well, that's another conversation.
All right, look. Let's check out the old handbook.
Any changes in your life? Diet, exercise?
Are you smoking enough dope?
Any weird dreams?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting anything important?
What do you want, Atticus?
I'm here to clean my office. I mean, your office.
I don't want to talk about my dick in front of this dick.
Believe me, Todd, my days of fixating
on your penis are long gone.
And hardly a memory.
Well, I did have a dream
where I'm being chased by some kind of shadow demon.
All right. Being chased, being chased.
Okay, here's something.
"Your dream may represent some form of inferiority."
I could have told him that without the use of a handbook.
That doesn't make sense, Jimmy.
I mean, who could I feel inferior to?
The new Pure Evil One?
There's a new Pure Evil One?
Maybe.
Those metal dudes told me
that there's a new Pure Evil One in town.
That's it, man, your wang doesn't work
because there's this other dude walking around school
with an even bigger knob.
Don't let his cock make you hate your schlong.
Love your penis and you can beat this guy.
Come on.
You can love your penis.
Like I love your penis.
Come on, dude. Don't fail me now.
Just think of Jenny.
Hot Jenny. Oh, sexy Jenny.
Jenny with a J-J?
J.
Maybe it would help if I smoked a J.
Okay, this still isn't helping.
Ugh. Concentrate, dude.
Jenny, Jenny...
You are so hot when you're evil.
Especially pure evil.
Oh, Jenny, I so want to get it up for you.
Ah!
I did it! It's hard.
You know you want me.
No!
Can't deny it forever, little dude.
Time to face your true destiny.
Limp-dicked loser.
So, how's your relationship going?
It's awesome.
Yours?
Totally awesome. So much sex.
Yeah, tell me about it. Between Jenny's smoking body
and my perfectly functioning erection,
we're sex maniacs.
And even then, there's not enough time,
because you're having sex all the time.
And you wish there was more time to have sex,
but there's not enough time to have sex,
because you're trying to have sex,
but your parts are all sore.
Oh, I can't keep up the charade any longer.
I'm not getting any.
Hannah is all weird and distant.
I'm not getting any, either.
Jenny is all over me,
but my wang won't wong.
Little dude?
Interested in purchasing some porn?
No, wait.
That would be like throwing money down the drain.
Ha-ha, I get it.
Because I can't get an erection anymore, right?
Whoa.
Your dick may be extinguished, but your brain is on fire.
Loser.
All right, assholes.
I'm only going to say this once.
Stay out of my dreams.
Yeah, that's my turf.
Dozens of Hannah clones were created,
each more evil than the last, but none proved successful.
Test Subject B was released into the community
to see if she would become the true Pure Evil One.
You kids really need to do something about this.
Not that I'm telling you how to do your job,
unless you want me to give you guidance or counselling, or...
Just go, Atticus.
You didn't let me finish.
Guidance counselling.
You're not a guidance counsellor anymore, Atticus.
You're just a janitor.
You've got a real mean streak in you, Jenny Kolinsky.
Nobody understands me, nobody!
Atticus is right.
We're not on our game.
We need to forget everything else
and focus on finding the book.
The book is just gonna keep coming back
no matter how many times we find it.
What we gotta do is figure out who this new Pure Evil One is
and obliterate his ass.
Obliterate?
Awesome word.
Yeah, really awesome.
You okay, Hannah?
You don't look well.
Um, it's my, uh, stomach.
Must have been that tuna fish sandwich I had this morning.
Sorry to hear that, sweetie.
And you don't need to say "tuna fish,"
because there's no other type of tuna.
Here.
Have some of my turkey bird sandwich.
Um, I got to go. It's my stomach.
Just wait here and I'll be right back.
Poor kid.
She's been through so much.
First she died; now she's got the shits.
Mm-mmm.
What if I am the new Pure Evil One?
Have I always been pure evil?
Am I even me?
Help me.
Oh, poop.
I am sorry.
No, no!
We can't wait for Hannah. Let's go fight evil.
This shouldn't be too tough.
Anyone got a giant tube of zit cream?
What do we do, Todd?
I have no fucking idea.
That puss-faced kid must be the new Pure Evil One.
He's melting off people's faces just like in my nightmare.
I don't know, Todd. That's Gavin McClintoch.
Hardly Pure Evil One material.
He doesn't look like he's enjoying himself.
Help me!
Todd, the lockers!
The lockers aren't melting.
Curtis, pull off the locker doors.
One for each of us.
Come on, guys. Use the lockers as a shield.
Box him in.
Ow, ow, ow! Ow, it burns.
Ow, that's hurting! Ow.
Ow, ow, ow!
Yeah! Suck it, new Pure Evil One.
There can only be one Pure Evil One, and that's me.
Except I'm not really pure evil,
even if that is my supposed destiny.
Because I'm my own dude who's not evil.
Do you really think this guy was the new Pure Evil One?
She's right, Todd.
That was pretty easy.
Tell me what you know.
Who's the new Pure Evil One?
Hmm, how strange.
I've somehow retained all the memories
of my previous self.
And yet, something is different.
I feel more evil.
♪ It wasn't long ago I held prestige ♪
♪ Now I'm treated like I have a disease ♪
♪ Throbbing pain in my balls ♪
♪ I hope it's not an inguinal hernia ♪
♪ I'm a sh-sh-shadow in the dark ♪
♪ These little goblins got me whipped ♪
♪ Their crazy problems I can't fix ♪
♪ Oh, how I miss stroking my mop ♪
♪ And by "mop" I don't mean "cock" ♪
♪ I'm a sh-sh-shadow in the dark ♪
♪ Once was a time you wanted me ♪
♪ Your heavy-metal fantasy
♪ Now I slide my hand into your pants ♪
♪ It doesn't move it doesn't dance ♪
♪ You're a sh-sh-shadow in the dark ♪
♪ Now I'm not the dude I used to be ♪
♪ But I love you unconditionally ♪
♪ Bigger evil has complications ♪
♪ You might want to try female masturbation ♪
♪ I'm a sh-sh-shadow in the dark ♪
♪ Something about you ain't the same ♪
♪ Since you died and came back again ♪
♪ I gaze at you a thousand-mile stare ♪
♪ My penis is a torpedo in the air ♪
♪ You're a sh-sh-shumpthing in the dark ♪
♪ No time to ponder your wiener ♪
♪ So confused I'm lost and beleaguered ♪
♪ Strange thoughts inside my mind ♪
♪ Whispering "Stop being kind" ♪
♪ I'm a sh-sh-shadow in the dark ♪
♪ Oh, where, oh, where do those emotions go ♪
♪ Are they tossed out into
♪ The cold, cold snow
♪ Or do they simply
♪ Just lie awake
♪ Like a certain book
♪ That we all hate
♪ The more you learn
♪ The less you know
We're no closer to figuring out
who the new Pure Evil One is.
I guess we just wait for the book to show up again.
Wow.
The new Pure Evil One could be anyone.
Like that guy.
Or that guy.
Or her.
Hey! He's mine, bitch.
Get your own Pure Evil One.
Whoa. Jenny, uh...
I don't know what came over me.
Hannah?
Psst.
Hannah?
There's something different about you, little dudette.
I...
...don't know what you're talking about.
You smell different.
And you're not a loser anymore.
Loser.
You don't know the third of it.
You seem like the kind of girl who's...
Searching for something.
Maybe.
Well, to get it, you're going to need our help.
Ugh.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Mm-hmm.
Todd, I've been looking for you everywhere.
I even tried a classroom.
I can't go out there.
Anyone could be the new Pure Evil One.
Stop it.
You're clearly losing your shit to paranoia.
I'm not being paranoid if I'm right.
Right about what?
Right about everything.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Todd, get it together!
Be a man and stand up for yourself.
Do that and maybe you'll actually get a boner again.
Maybe you're the one who stole my boner.
It's too much pressure.
"Don't destroy the world, Todd."
"Let's fight the book, Todd."
"Why don't you have a boner, Todd?"
What are you getting at?
Maybe you're the new Pure Evil One.
First you steal my boner, then you destroy the world!
I am so done with this.
I've been keeping this
for when you stop feeling sorry for yourself
and decide to be a hero again.
But that doesn't look like it's going to happen.
Jenny, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
You just don't understand what I'm going through.
Hannah?
How long have you been under there?
A while.
I like to hide under desks when I'm sad.
You're sad, too?
I did die, apparently.
Oh, yeah, right.
That sucks.
It really does.
So, you heard everything between me and Jenny?
Yeah, kind of hard to ignore.
So, you know about my...
Boner, or lack thereof?
Poor boner.
You know, Todd, ever since I died,
no one really understands what I'm going through.
Curtis tries, but it didn't happen to him
so there's no way for him to get it.
I feel like I'm all alone.
Lost.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, I actually do.
And sometimes, I just wish
I had someone to be with who feels the same way that I do,
even if it's about something else.
I just want someone to lean on.
Hannah, what are you doing? I'm with Jenny.
Can she give you what you want?
Ahh.
Mmm.
There you go.
Hey, Jenny.
Are you okay?
Todd is being weird.
So is Hannah.
Boy, relationships are tough, huh?
We have a lot in common.
No, we don't.
For you see, Jenny,
you and I are like a pair of unhappy housewives
waiting patiently for our crazy-ass husbands
to get their shit together and come home to us,
their arms filled with roses and chocolates and corn chips
and...
You know what?
I'm tired of always having to worry about Todd's feelings.
I have feelings too, you know.
Well, maybe you're being too hard on him.
I mean, he is the Pure Evil One,
and there's another Pure Evil One who's out there
looking to obliterate his ass.
That's got to be hard to deal with.
Yeah, I guess so.
And maybe you're being too hard on Hannah.
I mean, she did die
and has no memory of how she un-died,
and that's gotta be hard to deal with, too.
You know what? You're right, Jenny.
We should be there for our loved ones,
no matter what kind of crazy assholes or bitches
they may be.
Yeah, let's go tell them.
Let's go tell them...
How much we care about them?
Yeah.
What the fuck?
Argh.
Jenny!
Jenny, wait!
Uh, huge boner. Ow, ow, ow.
Okay, Curtis. You can do this.
Hannah, I understand things have been weird for you
ever since you died, and things haven't been perfect between us.
As much as it hurts me that you made out with Todd,
it's not like it isn't something I haven't dreamed about doing.
Again.
Let's just put this whole sordid mess behind us
and start over, hmm?
Fuck that.
What?
It's time I get myself a real man.
A man who can destroy the world.
But you can't mean that.
Hannah!
Darn it.
Hannah, you forget your...
Science kit.
Now, if they slip and I pick them up,
they'll have to let me back in the gang.
An ingenious plan.
Jenny, it wasn't what it looked like.
Oh, really?
Oh, good, 'cause I thought I saw a boner in your pants
and Hannah's tongue in your mouth.
Uh, okay, it was what it looked like,
but I've been under a lot of stress lately
and I've got a bad case of paranoia
and I have no control over my own dick.
I know that's hard for you to understand that,
because you're a chick without a dick.
Worst excuse ever, Todd.
Maybe you're lying to yourself.
Maybe you never had feelings for me.
Maybe you were just interested in the chase,
and now that you've got me, you want to throw me away
like a piece of trash!
Well, I am not trash, mister. I am not trash!
No, no, that's totally not it.
If you were able to give me a boner, I would obliterate you.
Sexually, that is.
Not only did you betray me; you betrayed your best friend.
You really are pure evil, Todd.
A pure evil asshole.
Yeah?
Well, you try being the Pure Evil One.
It's not as easy as it looks.
Stupid dong!
Always getting me in trouble.
Ow!
Dude, I am so sorry.
Forget it, Todd.
First you kill my girlfriend, then you make out with her.
You're lucky I'm a lover, not a fighter,
because if I were a fighter, I would fight you, dude.
I don't know if I would win the fight
'cause I'm not really much of a fighter.
I'm more of a biter than a puncher.
Plus I'm not really in the best of shape.
Plus I am slightly overweight from all the corn chips
and turkey bird sandwiches, but a man has to eat, Todd.
Curtis, you're losing your train of thought.
Stop interrupting!
You're like an evil locomotive
chugging down the tracks of my life, Todd.
Now you've gone and made me forget what I was gonna say.
Being the Pure Evil One has turned you into...
I know, I know. An asshole.
No, a real asshole.
That's right, I went there.
Todd?
I think you're peachy keen.
Wow. A compliment from an even bigger asshole.
Thanks, but no thanks.
To be good... or not to be good?
That is the question.
To be bad or to be not bad?
That's another question.
Actually, they're both the same question, but nevertheless,
they're still valid questions which must be asked,
which is why I'm asking them.
But what is the answer?
Ah, that cruel and callous answer.
How you elude me!
I've been bad my whole life,
even when I was pretending to be good.
'Tis not a natural fit for thee,
but to be truly, purely, non-pretendingly good,
where does it get me?
On my knees, scrubbing stinky toilets!
Ah! There's the rub.
Well, screw you, rub! I'm going...
No, I cannot.
I must not return to my old wicked ways.
Sure, it was fun for a while.
But all fun must end, and end it did for thee.
Alone, unloved, demoted.
No friends, no gang, no rhyme or reason.
But to embrace goodness is to embrace love,
and I do love those kids.
How I love them so!
But now, their tight little nucleus has been ripped asunder
by the gods of chaos, dissension
and uncontrollable teenage hormones!
Ah!
Another rub,
but this rub is a kind rub.
Forsooth, I know thy mission!
To rub them back together as one,
so they may yet again become a formidable gang of kids!
It's so fucking worth it to be good!
Man, this totally sucks.
I lost my babe, my buddy, and my boner.
What I wouldn't do for a joint.
Hey, Todd.
Care to join me?
I shouldn't be around you, Hannah.
You're a bad influence.
Thank you, you're so sweet!
So, you wanna get wasted?
When did you start smoking dope?
There's a lot of things you don't know about me.
Come on, don't be a pussy. You know you want it.
It'll ease your troubled mind.
My troubled mind could definitely use some easing.
Ahhh...
Dozens of Hannah clones were created,
each more evil than the last.
But none proved successful.
Test Subject B was released into the community
to see if she would become the true Pure Evil One.
Holy titty-nipples!
I'm dating the Pure Evil One?
Time is quickly running out.
My husband is onto me.
I must come up with a new plan.
Jimmy, we have a problem.
There is dissension among the gang.
Let's see what the old dictionary has to say here.
"Dissen..."
Di-sen... D-I... E-N, wait.
D-I-S-S-E-N-S-I... Oh, fuck it!
Fuck the dictionary!
Fuck the... fuck the dictionary!
Hey, that's school property you're destroying.
I have devised a plan to get them back together,
and it involves kidnapping.
In exactly 18 minutes, you will corner Jenny at this location,
then place a sack over her head.
Oh, yeah! I've put my sack on a girl's face plenty of times.
Simultaneously, I will corner Curtis at this location.
Then, place a sack over his head.
Then, we'll bring them back to this office
and brainwash them into getting the gang back together.
It's a fool-proof plan.
Probably one of my all-time greats.
We could do that, but we could also do this.
Will Jenny Kolinsky and Curtis Weaver
please report to the guidance counsellor's office?
So, I spent three hours working on this diagram for nothing.
You just fucked my diagram!
Oh, what kind of weed is this?
It's super strong.
I got it from some friends.
I had so much promise, Hannah.
I was gonna be a heavy metal god.
A real one,
not some demonically possessed one that killed people,
until that book came along and destroyed my life.
You know what you need to do?
You need to get your hands on the book again.
And once you have it, you can send it away.
But not to Timbuktu.
Gee, Hannah, that sounds like a bad idea,
and I'm kind of an expert on bad ideas.
And besides, I'd have to go find the book.
The book that destroyed my life.
All you need to do is feel it deep inside your pants.
I can't feel anything down there, that's the problem!
Shh, relax.
Feel it,
deep inside your pants.
Loser.
Did you just call me a loser?
Concentrate, Todd!
Feel it deep inside your pants, Todd.
Deep.
Deep...
♪ An ancient prophecy
♪ Foretold a chosen one
♪ The one of pure evil
♪ Will bring the world to us ♪
Whoa, it worked!
So, what do we do now?
This! Yoink!
Hey, what's going on?
What are you assholes doing here?
What's so funny?
Ha-ha, you've been duped, little dude.
Say hello to the new Pure Evil One.
Loser!
Hannah?
Hey, kids, have a seat.
Ha!
Ah, I've gone blind! Blind, I tells ya!
Uh, don't think we need the sacks, dude.
They're already here.
But I stitched them together by hand.
I even personalized them.
Oh, thank God, it was only a dream.
What the hell's going on here?
Can I keep this sack?
Kids, I know I'm not perfect.
I admit I have a few flaws,
and I've made a few teensy mistakes,
but you must believe me when I say this.
Todd is in danger!
Todd's always in danger.
True, but this time, it's grave danger!
Have you ever been betrayed
by someone you cared about, Atticus?
Well, my father did force me to have sex with a wolf.
Then, you should know it hurts, a lot.
Hmm.
Oh, look, Jenny, when a dude thinks with his dick,
he's not thinking with his brain.
He's thinking with his lower head.
His dick head.
That's proven science.
I can't listen to any more of this bullshit.
Are you coming, Curtis?
Uh...
Curtis?
Alright, stop twisting my arm! I'll tell you!
Hannah's a clone.
Her science-y parents made a whole pile of Hannahs
and, well, they're kind of evil.
You're right!
She has to be a clone.
The real Hannah could never give Todd a boner!
Yeah, and come to think of it,
there were all those weird pods in that secret lab
under the retirement home.
I bet the clones are in there.
You're telling us this now?
I've had a lot on my mind.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm confused.
Did you say you fucked a wolf?
To the retirement home!
Hannah?
Hannah!
Let me out of here!
Looks like your time has come.
Loser.
We've been looking for the real Pure Evil One
for many, many years.
Why me?
Why am I the Pure Evil One?
Do you even have to ask?
Haven't you always felt
like you're different than everyone else?
That no one understands you?
That you're a... loser?
Doesn't everyone feel like that sometimes?
Not like you.
Well, there have been others here and there
over the past few thousand years.
But they all turned out to be losers.
Ha, I got to admit,
I really thought you could do it, little dude,
but you failed miserably!
Just like everyone else, until now.
Hannah E. Williams, at your service.
"Hannah E"?
The E is for evil, heh-heh!
She's the only one with the balls to destroy the world.
Actually, I don't have balls.
I don't even have a vagina.
Whoa.
Get away from him, you bitch!
Your evil master plan has come to an end,
you hot piece of science-y ass.
We know you're not the real Hannah but an imposter Hannah.
Oh, my God!
Where's your vagina?
Ugh, you are so simple-minded.
Hannah B. Williams was just as much of an imposter,
if not more!
Look around you.
Each one of these pods contains a Hannah clone,
each one a failure to clone the Pure Evil One
from the DNA of the Book of Pure Evil itself!
Losers one and all, except for...
Me! The final clone, Hannah E. Williams.
I am the purest of pure evil!
Did Hannah B. Williams have a vagina?
Not that it matters, really. I'm just curious.
Looks like there's a lot more than five more clones down here.
There's an F, and it keeps going.
Wouldn't it make sense if these ones
were the newer and better clones?
Uh...
Shut up, bitch-face!
Keep them busy until I can suck out Todd's Pure Evil power
and transfer it to myself.
Wait, what?
What does this thing do?
Joke's on you, little dude.
She's not the new Pure Evil One.
Not yet, loser.
You see, my evil scientist parents
worked with the Satanic Society
to create a Pure Evil One from the book itself,
so they didn't have to wait
for the real Pure Evil One to show up.
But all they succeeded in doing was creating a vessel
that could contain the power of pure evil!
I'm not following.
Shh! If we don't listen to this exposition,
we'll never know what's going on here.
So, I built this machine to suck out the power of pure evil
from inside you, and stick it into me!
Thus transforming me into the Pure Evil One.
That was our secret plan all along.
So, does this mean I won't be pure evil anymore?
Yes!
It is I who will be pure evil!
Awesome! Then, I'll destroy the world.
Not awesome.
Seriously, does anyone get what she's talking about?
I think we just have to stop her from doing whatever she's doing.
We can totally do that!
We're the gang! Let's save Todd!
Whoa!
It's you.
You bet your sweet ass.
And how sweet it was.
Run!
Ahhh!
Ha!
Huh?
You remember our little date 25 year ago, Atticus?
Not an ideal date.
You were supposed to fight me, Atticus, not submit to me.
No wonder your father lost respect for you.
Really?
That explains so much.
Atticus, just don't be yourself for once,
and stand up to that wolf!
I can't do it!
Cowardice... too strong!
You can do it, Atticus.
No one should let a big dog push them around.
I need more... convincing.
Anyone else got words of encouragement?
That wolf is totally gonna rape him again.
You can so totally beat up that huge supernatural wolf.
If Jimmy thinks I can do it, then I shall!
I won't submit this time!
Shit-rooster!
Argh!
Ugh, what the fuck is with that mop?
I did it.
I faced down the wolf!
I've never felt so free!
Not free!
Ahhhh!
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Nikki, I know you're deep down inside those dudes somewhere.
Not a chance!
She ain't coming back.
Not for you, loser.
Look, I still love you, Nikki.
Come back and let's run away together,
far from the Book of Pure Evil.
Just stop hurting my friends.
No!
Not this time, bitch!
Got to fight the pull, dudes.
Fight through love!
Jimmy.
Nikki!
Did you mean what you said?
Does a turkey bird have a feathered cock?
Come here, baby.
Mmm!
You don't care that I'm also three dudes?
Yeah, and a fucking awesome wolf.
I just won the lottery.
Mmm!
Yummy.
A little to the left, yes! Yes!
Eat shit and die from eating shit, Hannah E!
That was a lot easier than I thought it would be.
Let's wrap this up, kids.
Is it too late?
Am I still pure evil?
We saved you just in time.
Evil Hannah is dead.
Not so fast!
Feast your eyes on Hannah F. Williams!
Oh, that's pretty hot.
Do I want to know what the F stands for?
Freak?
Fair maiden?
Flabbergasted? Oh, wait, that's just me.
The F stands for "I'm gonna fuck you up!"
That starts with an I, doesn't it?
Stand back, kids.
This is a job for a janitor.
Which is what I am!
Time to clean up this mess.
Ha!
Arrrgh!
No offense, dude,
but you're a shitty janitor.
Hi-ya!
Ah! Get 'em, Nikki!
Todd, you have to get out of here.
We can't risk this new Hannah
stealing what's left of your pure evil power.
No... must fight.
You're too weak to fight!
Can't leave... my friends.
You have to run away to save the world, Todd!
That's your real destiny.
Flee, Todd! Flee!
Argh, I'm punching!
I'm punching! Now I'm kicking!
Now I'm... whoa!
Ouch.
It's too late.
Enough of Todd's pure evil power has been sucked into the book.
Now all I have to do is get into the machine
and have the power transferred into me!
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Pure evil or not, I've got to help my friends.
Somehow.
I know that voice!
Argh!
I'm sorry, Hannah.
What?
Well, we all knew that was coming.
Oh, that's pretty hot.
Da-da?
Brax! Holy shit, dude. You've grown!
Whoa!
Ugh, big boy, ease up!
Da-da! Da-da!
I missed you too, buddy.
Ahh!
Ha!
Stupid book!
Ugh!
I told you I don't have a vagina!
But you got eyes, motherfucker!
Ugh, so much blood.
Get ready for Hannah I!
The I stands for "I'm gonna fuck you up!"
Get some new material.
I just flew into town, and boy, are my arms... deadly!
Whoa!
Curtis, use your arm!
Ow! Ooh! Eeh!
It shorted out!
Don't worry, it's Atticus time.
Eat mug in sock, bitch.
Oh!
Yum!
Brax attack!
Ugh!
And we're fucked.
I guess this is it, baby.
At least we got a chance to be in love again,
one last time.
If this is gonna be the end of the world, at least I can say...
I love you, Jennifer Kolinsky.
And I love you, Toddrick Smith.
Now my dead girlfriend's clone is gonna eat us.
Todd, stop poking me.
What?
Todd, your boner is back!
My boner is back!
His boner is back!
I'm not gonna die before I get a chance to use this boner!
Brax, toss me.
Ugh!
Whoaaa!
Whoa!
Destroy the pods!
Yah!
I'll take care of this one, Brax.
Whoa!
Whoa! Ahhh!
Todd?
I'm fine.
Todd!
I'm not just fine.
I'm fucking awesome.
Awesome! Yeah!
Hey, guys?
Rowr!
Wait!
This one's different.
No, I'm not, Curtis.
I remember everything.
I remember cheating on you with Todd.
I remember trying to kill the whole gang.
I remember wanting to destroy the world.
You should just put me out of my misery.
You need to hear this.
This is the final recording of Dr. Williams.
Just Dr. Cynthia Williams.
I'm leaving Dr. Bob Williams.
I realized he's an evil man,
and this has all been a huge mistake.
And he just can't pleasure me anymore.
I can't change what I've done,
but I can try to fix it.
I've made one last clone,
but this time, without the DNA of pure evil.
She'll be my real daughter, Hannah.
I'm going to destroy all the evil clones.
We're going to run away and be a real family,
just her and me. Tonight, we'll...
Cynthia! What are you doing?
Bob! No, you can't stop me.
Is it because I just can't pleasure you anymore?
Minions, get her!
And turn off that cassette recorder.
Yes, your evil-ness.
But which button do I press?
Just do it!
Let go!
How do I turn it off? Do I...
Don't touch that!
What if I push two of them together?
These two buttons?
No, that's the volume, dumbass!
Haven't you ever seen a cassette recorder before?
What are you saying?
Which button do I press, this button?
No!
Or this button, or this button, or this button
Stop it! Which button is it, Cynthia!
No! I'll never tell!
I'm just gonna smash it, then.
So, I'm not evil?
Not a bit, Hannah.
So, I can be back in the gang?
Eh, why not?
We let that asshole back in.
Really? I'm a gang member?
I think you've proven yourself.
Wait. What about her?
Yeah, what's stopping you
from splitting into the metal dudes again?
Don't worry.
The power of true love will keep me in this form.
So, no wolf?
Damn it.
I was gonna ride that dude around and feed him beer.
But someone, or something, will inevitably take their place.
When that day comes, we'll be ready.
It's good to have you back, Hannah.
But I can't help but wonder how you're the only good Hannah.
Hannah B. Williams seemed pretty goody-two-shoes.
Oh, Hannah B. did cheat on tests.
And she liked to torture small animals
when people weren't looking.
Do you have a vagina?
Big time!
Well, not big-big.
I totally have one, not that I'd have half of one.
Maybe it is big.
I've never compared it to others.
♪ Life is good
♪ My dick is back
♪ I'm so fucking awesome
♪ In the sack
♪ I guess I can't complain ♪
♪ Life's okay
♪ Let's leave it at that ♪
♪ Todd is so-so in the sack ♪
♪ Eh, I guess I can't complain ♪
♪ Except for the fact that the book is back ♪
♪ Again and again and again ♪
♪ Yes life is good
♪ My girl is back
♪ And I'm happy to say ♪
♪ She's not an evil skank ♪
♪ I guess I can't complain ♪
♪ Yes life is good
♪ I know who I am
♪ I've got myself a sweet loving man ♪
Hey, I'm a man!
♪ I guess I can't complain ♪
♪ Except for the fact
♪ That the book is back ♪
♪ Again and again and again ♪
But what about me? Atticus P. Murphy.
I'm ready to pound some ass.
Dude, we've been over this.
Oh, right.
♪ To kick some motherfucking ass ♪
♪ Except for the fact that the book is back ♪
♪ Again and again and again ♪
♪ But we will never surrender ♪
♪ We are the great defenders ♪
♪ Kicking evil in the nuts ♪
♪ With very mixed results
♪ This is our destiny
Arrrrgh!
Ahhh!
And destiny doesn't suck.
I just wanted to see boobs!
Hooooly, you finish it!